Bereavement of self


I saw this quote, and It really stuck with me.

It has been 2 weeks since we dropped Julius off with his mom. Man, is it weird to feel a small of loss when you really miss someone.

I am trying to use these feelings to be happy when I do spend time with people I love. How lucky I was to have people in my life who I miss. I also really miss the person I was with them. Jody and Zach were so hilarious, I miss the funny person I felt like I was when I was with them. This is like bereavement of self, I miss me?!!? They laughed at everything all the time, and their laughs made me laugh even more....why am I not that person anymore, without them?

Julius makes me laugh too. Almost as much as his father did.

But he doesn't seem to think I am quite that funny anymore. I miss the person he used to think I was..when he was 5, he said "Ashley, How do you know everything?" He still thinks I know a lot. He teaches me things too..mostly about DBZ, but also about patience and about pushing for things you want!

I don't know when I will get to see him again. This is different than how we would say "good-bye" in the past, because I always knew when I would see him next. It was more of a "see ya later". But now I am finding myself thinking he will have changed, and I probably will have too.

I will always miss the times we had when he was so little he can't remember. I completely miss him being one year old, and calling me "ahh".

I will miss our time spent together when I lived in Florida. When we would listen to Pandora- "our shuffle" for many hours on the drive to and from Jacksonville to Gainesville. We had a wonderful summer, and on the loooonngg drive to drop him off with his mom 2 weeks agao, we had some great conversations. We talked about everything in life...it seems. It was almost like he was 5 again, and he thought I knew everything. :) I will miss these times and the people we were then. Because people and experiences change us, which ultimately a good thing. But it doesn't make the change any less painful.

I will look back at this time in life , and think I didn't appreciate this particular episode when it was happening. There is never enough time spent together. Soon, he will be too old to want to hang out with his Aunt. He won't want to listen to the same music, or have serious...or even sensless... discussions about life. It's extremely difficult to lose someone to death, but in a way it's also hard to lose someone to a different place...especially when you have no idea what will be next. When you are clueless to what their life is like now, at this time and place, who will we be the next time we see each other?!!

I truly hope that I will see Julius almost as often as I have in the past... for some reason I think I won't. I will continue to miss him and who I am when I am with him. I have to keep trucking though life and just keep hoping to know him as best as I can!

On the other end of the perspective of loss, there people I have lost that I don't want to find. I had to say good bye to a person who had meant so much to me through a good majority of life. It is tough, even if it was my choice. I do miss the people we used to be. I will always look back fondly at the times we had in high school. It's been 2 years since I have parted ways with my high school bestie. Some days I do miss her, and I do think happy and positive thoughts for her. I truly hope she is doing well. When we parted ways I knew, we were no longer growing together, we were bringing each other down.

It's a strange thing to feel loss when you think of something you purposely got rid of. I feeling loss for times we had, and the people we were when we were 16 years old. When we were inseparable. Working at the movie theater, color guard practice, dance classes, and band parties, we were two peas in a pod.

We are no longer these people, we have different ideals, beliefs, and ways to deal with life. I was not a good person when I was with her anymore. I didn't like who I was when I was with her. I was not my true self, and I couldn't understand why, I still don't. But I do know I don't miss who I was when I was with her from age 25-27. We just didn't have that "thing" anymore that keeps you together. I was a changed person, from things that had happened to me in life...and our friendship just couldn't handle that, I guess. Anyway I put it, I have lost one of my best friend and I will always miss who we were when we made up dances together in my parents garage.

Loss is hard, and for me it has been one of the main struggles and lessons in my life. It's making me who I am supposed to be. I feel this need to travel, and maybe all this loss is making it easier to leave my home and family. I know, that no matter how much time we spend together, it is never enough. I would love to appreciate the times we do spend together.

Well, this blog entry felt more like an entry into my diary. I didn't expect that as I started it.....sooo sorry if you didn't like it!

I am off to my next adventure soon... only a short journey to Lexington, Ky. When I left for college 11 years ago Lexington had a major impact on my life, and maybe it will this time too! I can't wait to see what life brings.

Thanks for reading!


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